DISCLAIMER: This will be long but if you will stick with me to the end I would really appreciate it.
Holy Thursday, in the Catholic church the Thursday before Easter is known as Holy Thursday. Being raised in the church I remember every year being the same story over and over. Jesus celebrates the last supper with His disciples, washes the disciples' feet, goes to Mount Olive to pray, is betrayed and denied by His followers, beaten and broken before His crucifixion. It was said every year and each year it lost meaning and the story lost it's gravity each time I heard it. Which I don't know if that happens to most, if it is the Devil hardening my heart, or if it is a sign of young rebellion.
Whatever it was it worked. By the time I was almost 17 years old I hated God for making my grandma suffer with cancer, my parents for making, guilt-ing, or insisting I go and myself for reasons I can't even begin to list. One night in a teary fit I truly denounced God. Not a childish statement of rebellion, or out of status, or just pure arrogance. I truly meant it with all my heart, with my entire being. If there was a God why would He force hardship on His followers? Why the heart ache? The sadness? Why would such a loving, forgiving, generous God make so much hurt? I didn't receive my answer for almost 2 years. In the grand scheme of my life and the power of God, that was only a blink.
I remember having several conversations with my dad, who I always viewed as a Christian of convenience, not a true believer or follower of God. My mom was a great example of a strong Catholic woman but my Dad seemed to be the type that did it to make my mom happy. It wasn't until during these many conversations I found out I was wrong. My dad knew things about the Bible, more about the Catholic faith and the teaching of the church then I thought. I ignored him and all it did was strengthen my resolve.
During my lost time I did things I was not proud of, things that any Christian would be ashamed of. I did whatever I wanted without conscious or consequence. Everything I did to find some fulfillment something to stop the all consuming darkness that had taken over me. It is so hard to describe the emptiness, the gut wrenching loneliness. Every step felt like I was falling, every breath felt like someone was squeezing it out of me. Nothing I did made me happy nor did it fill the hole inside me.
It was just a few months before my 20th birthday and once again it was Easter. Again I felt like I was being forced to do something that would make my parents happy. I know it wasn't that but they truly had no idea how to help me except by doing what they were. My "lost sheep" journey started when I was 14 and was about to start my journey toward God again. I remember dreading that night because I was going to have to go to our church, St. Mary-Magdalene, and pretend that I was the good Catholic girl. I once again volunteered to wash the feet of those in the church. As I was washing the feet of someone I've never seen in our small church, I felt humbled to be doing so. This man placed his hand on me and said very gently, "Thank you. Small deeds like this will bring you closer to God." I shrugged it off because I didn't want to hear that there was anything redeeming about me.
That Sunday I remember talking to the priest of our church and I was very vague about what I believed and how I felt. After a few minutes he told me just to say, "I don't believe in God." When I opened my mouth to yell from the roof tops "there was no God," "He didn't exist," "my parents are liars," my knees became weak and I know I felt the presence of my Lord pushing me. Suddenly answers to my questions and my doubts were revealed. The pain in my chest and heart suddenly was lifted. It happened so slowly I didn't noticed until then how much pain I was in. I felt whole like I never had. I knew that I had been a fool and all that I had done all I need to do was ask and I forgiven.
God accepts you as you are. If He only accepted those that have never strayed, those who have known Him forever too many of us would be unworthy. As my mom said, He takes us as we are because He sees us like no human can. Why do we have heart ache? Why do we have lose? To make us into the person He needs us to be. You can blame Him for things that have happened or you can learn from them. You can shut God out or you can let Him reveal to you His true intentions. For those who have lost someone they love, the lesson my be to appreciate the ones still here. My mom lost both of her parents. One at such a young age and another while we were young. She is truly someone I admire because she knew He was taking them home for a reason. She still stood tall and was/is a wonderful example of how for every sadness there is happiness brought into your life.
This was the starting point of my journey and the Devil tempted me and tried to turn me against my Lord, my Savior and my Forgiver. Easter has been an emotional time for me since 2003. A gift beyond measure was placed in my heart. I have been asked how I can do the things I need to do so far from family with a husband who is gone more times than he is here and it is because I know He will get me through it. My second daughter was named, "my God's pure promise." The promise He will never leave me, He will always love me, He will carry me when I feel like falling. She is a reminder everyday He will hold me up. I hope you have a Happy and Blessed Easter.
Lord, you have searched my heart,
and you know when I sit and when I stand.
Your hand is upon me protecting me from death,
keeping me from harm.
Where can I run from Your love?
If I climb to the heavens You are there;
If I fly to the sunrise or sail beyond the sea,
still I'd find You there.
You know my heart and its ways,
you who formed me before I was born
in the secret of darkness before I saw the sun
in my mother's womb.
Author - Dan Schutte
